An old adage says...no man is an island.
This is especially true to me. I think that's what's harder for me here in Canada. I can't connect to anyone here the way I connected to my friends in Philippines or Malaysia. Even my KL lunch buddies are more relatable than people surrounding me here.
It's driving me insane because there's no safe sounding board for me anymore. I can't even cry well the tears roll out but after a good cry I am usually fine. I just find myself bottling everything up inside to function on my day to day. I pride myself before as being patient and understanding...nowadays I snap more often. Crack under pressure and it just keeps piling inside like a heavy weight on my chest.
This wouldn't happen if I just have someone to unload once in a while and still be silly. My friends hear me out don't give nonsense advice most especially dont lecture me and they dont get equally stressed when I rant. When the timing is right they know I am done and can be goofy again. Likewise I love hearing them rant about their lives too makes me feel I am not alone.
I guess I learned the hard way what is more important for me...family, friends and a good career. Money is just secondary. Sure I drive my husband over the wall in my ideal lifestyle but most often I feel that's to fill the void inside me. Because I felt happy carving pumpkin with the kids, I felt happy just sitting and watching a movie with them, I felt happy when we have bus commute adventures together.Of course kids will be kids and they act out and stuff. Iaree more intense in her episodes and its really tough to be going through this knowing that I am not enough and that something can be done. Oh God help me :( :( :(
Oct 31, 2017
Mar 24, 2017
At last...I am finally back on a PONY
Talk about baby steps.
A lot of people compliment me & hubby that we are in our respective fields (IT & HR) immediately as our first job in landing. It is a known fact (due to my incessant whining to close friends & this blog) however that my work (or lack thereof) is killing me to boredom. I am not being arrogant here to say that everything that I am doing is something I can do in my sleep that is why my turn-around time is in a SNAP leaving me with plenty of empty hours in the office. I do not think the job is beneath me but I do not see my value add to the organization.
My manager is not very keen in exploring aspects of me developing training for the employees nor is employee engagement (or employee events at the minimum) is in our umbrella. Those who know me very well will find it weird that I got excited I would have to cover for the payroll supervisor for 1 month while he goes on leave. Which means I have been doing payroll for the past few weeks now and was really excited about it. Of course when the novelty wore off I found myself wondering why I became a math teacher as (I kid you not!) 60% of the time sheets they employees/managers computed wrongly!!!Calculators people!!!So yes my job became basic 1+1 checking the papers before I can enter in the system! Absolutely not living the dream!! LOL
Anyway what I am seriously excited about this time is I got a training request from a manager for basic MS Office. I told her that since we are non-profit org why don't I do the training myself. I know MS Office is not my area of expertise but I am banking on myself being an advance user and with (hopefully still) good facilitation skills. So I got it and another Director approached me for the same request. So yes I am back on the pony for now just to make sure I can still get back on the horse later. Yey!
A lot of people compliment me & hubby that we are in our respective fields (IT & HR) immediately as our first job in landing. It is a known fact (due to my incessant whining to close friends & this blog) however that my work (or lack thereof) is killing me to boredom. I am not being arrogant here to say that everything that I am doing is something I can do in my sleep that is why my turn-around time is in a SNAP leaving me with plenty of empty hours in the office. I do not think the job is beneath me but I do not see my value add to the organization.
My manager is not very keen in exploring aspects of me developing training for the employees nor is employee engagement (or employee events at the minimum) is in our umbrella. Those who know me very well will find it weird that I got excited I would have to cover for the payroll supervisor for 1 month while he goes on leave. Which means I have been doing payroll for the past few weeks now and was really excited about it. Of course when the novelty wore off I found myself wondering why I became a math teacher as (I kid you not!) 60% of the time sheets they employees/managers computed wrongly!!!Calculators people!!!So yes my job became basic 1+1 checking the papers before I can enter in the system! Absolutely not living the dream!! LOL
Anyway what I am seriously excited about this time is I got a training request from a manager for basic MS Office. I told her that since we are non-profit org why don't I do the training myself. I know MS Office is not my area of expertise but I am banking on myself being an advance user and with (hopefully still) good facilitation skills. So I got it and another Director approached me for the same request. So yes I am back on the pony for now just to make sure I can still get back on the horse later. Yey!
Mar 23, 2017
Packed Lunch
Packed lunch here in Canada is an extra challenge for me it's nut free ( no nutella sandwiches) and fish free( no tuna and sardines) so forgive me if I cant help but smile as I was putting away the left over dinner Ate said "Mommy there's still mashed potato can I have it for baon please?" And I said ok also bring these green beans and she was ok we were just worried the volume might not be enough to fill her up. Then I asked bunso what she wants and she happily replied "Anything youstill have over there mom just add strawberries please" I told her that Ate is already bringing the left over mashed potato and she was fine with it which meant she was thinking of the left over chili. Too bad the weather wont permit that it won't keep warm so I told her she can't. So she said "Oh ok anything then"
Yup one happy mommy here that my kids eat vegetables and fruit!
Yup one happy mommy here that my kids eat vegetables and fruit!
Feb 28, 2017
Parenting Scores
It's amazing when you feel you are doing something right for something that you have been so exhausted in doing and driving you nuts.
The past few weeks hubby & I were plain exhausted. I even asked him if I can hand in my resignation papers from being a mom and he said he had been thinking of the same thing too. The kids are pushing our limits and we haven't really had much of "self-care regimen" to keep us sane. Over the weekend however we told them to dress up for church and they came out of their room all dress up with matching clothes and announcing that they are getting along so well. There were a few minutes of bickering during the day but not so bad to that was a triumph. Last night we sent them to bed at 8PM after brushing their teeth and all (same as every other night) at around 8:30 PM their lights were off and we heard them saying their prayers together for the first time without us. It was a lovely prayer made more special as it was their own initiative. We can't help but smile and stand up to bid them goodnight again. Usually putting them to bed and the actual sleeping is a big struggle. Despite ushering them to bed at 8 - 8:30 they mostly end up asleep by 9:30 PM the earliest. So yey to me & Ryan! Parenting is really hard but the nuggets of moments you get a peak of the person you hope they will be is so rewarding! Don't get me wrong our apartment is still a chaos of mess.
The past few weeks hubby & I were plain exhausted. I even asked him if I can hand in my resignation papers from being a mom and he said he had been thinking of the same thing too. The kids are pushing our limits and we haven't really had much of "self-care regimen" to keep us sane. Over the weekend however we told them to dress up for church and they came out of their room all dress up with matching clothes and announcing that they are getting along so well. There were a few minutes of bickering during the day but not so bad to that was a triumph. Last night we sent them to bed at 8PM after brushing their teeth and all (same as every other night) at around 8:30 PM their lights were off and we heard them saying their prayers together for the first time without us. It was a lovely prayer made more special as it was their own initiative. We can't help but smile and stand up to bid them goodnight again. Usually putting them to bed and the actual sleeping is a big struggle. Despite ushering them to bed at 8 - 8:30 they mostly end up asleep by 9:30 PM the earliest. So yey to me & Ryan! Parenting is really hard but the nuggets of moments you get a peak of the person you hope they will be is so rewarding! Don't get me wrong our apartment is still a chaos of mess.
Feb 16, 2017
Conversations with my 5yo
I always love having conversations with my daughters mostly they dominate it by telling long winded stories of the day or something they found amusing. I treasure all of their stories. I love seeing things through their eyes but since their innocence is fleeting so fast I thought I should share some here with my 5 yo and I will update this time & again
****
Feb 14 2017
I bathed her as I wanted to make sure her congested nose gets relieved. After the bath...
Liezl: Mom I love you. I am happy you take care of us. Without you we cannot eat. Daddy needs to learn how to cook before you die right?
Me: Well we really do not know when we will die
Liezl: But you will die when you are 100 years old that's why when you are 99 I will be very sad because on your next birthday you will die.
Me: *eyes popped* LOL
*****
Feb 13 2017
Cooking palabok I asked her to stir the pot.
Liezl: Wow you are cooking spaghetti!
Me: It's palabok not spaghetti
While eating the palabok
Liezl: We are not allowed to bring spaghetti to school
Me: It's palabok not spaghetti
Liezl: (Still oblivious) Don't pack this spaghetti for my lunch ok?
****
Feb 14 2017
I bathed her as I wanted to make sure her congested nose gets relieved. After the bath...
Liezl: Mom I love you. I am happy you take care of us. Without you we cannot eat. Daddy needs to learn how to cook before you die right?
Me: Well we really do not know when we will die
Liezl: But you will die when you are 100 years old that's why when you are 99 I will be very sad because on your next birthday you will die.
Me: *eyes popped* LOL
*****
Feb 13 2017
Cooking palabok I asked her to stir the pot.
Liezl: Wow you are cooking spaghetti!
Me: It's palabok not spaghetti
While eating the palabok
Liezl: We are not allowed to bring spaghetti to school
Me: It's palabok not spaghetti
Liezl: (Still oblivious) Don't pack this spaghetti for my lunch ok?
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