Jan 29, 2006
I'm thinking about that while I'm stuck with my paper due tomorrow. Imagine paying for high tuition fees for a subject that you don't get to meet with your professor but you're supposed to submit a weekly paper (via email) that summarizes two articles/journals/chapter of the book..whatever. You also have to give a critique and a reaction. If only she didn't specify that "finding the article too boring" doesn't count as a reaction, my "reactions" in the paper will be longer than what she's asking for. AAArrrgh!!Really... I asked my classmates if they're learning something from this and you can probably guess their response.
Of course life is about choices but I couldn't and wouldn't dare fail this last subject for my masters.
Jan 27, 2006
I was so confident our life was going the way we planned it. For my birthday this year we were planning to go to –Antonio’s in Tagaytay or Baguio driving our own car. Actually Ryan is even insisting going out of town like Boracay or Davao especially when he was able to close a project at the end of the year, received plenty of bonuses etc. We exceeded our target for the year and to mark it, after Christmas, he took me shopping and I was able to buy 3 pairs of shoes including my first boots that looked very very sexy matching it with jeans or nice fitting slacks. Life was so fast tracked and God told us to slow down…my mother-in-law collapsed a had a stroke. Suddenly the abundance of material things and the promise of a luxurious living beyond what we grew up in didn’t matter. I took it hard. I am not a materialistic girl who have to acquire a lot to be happy (although I must admit that I can be a gadget queen once in a while as some of my former officemates labelled me) but one common thing about me and Ryan is that we have big dreams. We have a perfect picture of how we want life to be.
Tomorrow I’m turning 26. For a girl who grew up always celebrating birthdays with a bang (because my family always made a big deal out of birthdays) I should be crying my heart out not having a grand day tomorrow but I’m not. Check out how I celebrated d-day last year . I even asked myself if I’m sure I’m not sad or anything close to that. How do I want to celebrate it? I want to hear mass at Greenbelt chapel (my favorite sanctuary). Before Christmas I wanted to have my hair fixed it’s so unruly na! I don’t think “beautification” is an option. I want to have ice cream! My favorite Coffee Crumble. Pag ginanahan ako I will make myself buko pandan or any salad and finally I want to play Harvest Moon all day! I want to have a hot stone massage at Fitness First since we bought a whole year worth of massage anyway and I haven’t used it for this month. (Kaso lang as if nagpa-sched ako…hello!) Back to reality naman kse the next day, I have to finish my weekly assignment due on Monday otherwise lagi akong absent ng Monday like what I recently did. Hehehe…quiet!
So is happiness a choice? A debatable question my professor asked us in my Positive Psychology. Sometimes when you don’t plan to be happy things that can and will make you happy comes to you. Most days it comes as a choice. You can dwell all you want on the things that make you feel bad or you can be happy despite of… You don’t have to consciously do it because happiness is so strong that it becomes spontaneous.
The experience of losing everything we have and even owing what we don’t have yet made me have a better perspective on things. In some ways it validated our marriage and strengthened our vows(for better or for worst kind of stuff). I have loved and lost so many times (and I’m not talking about the guys I stumbled upon before I found my perfect match.) Lola, Tita Glecy and my Lolo all passed on and left a remarkable statement at different points of my life. Life is short and everything has an end. It’s a lesson I need to be reminded of once in a while.
As I slowed down these past few days there are things I took note:
~the joysss of having a wonderful man as my husband who is strong to face the trials yet gentle in his ways of showing love to me and his family
~the joy of finally having a great boss, who trusts me, listens to me, guides me and respects me. Who can be as professional in dealing with HR matters that are so emotionally and mentally draining and be a friend who listens to my heartaches and shares her own. Making me forget how chaotic our organization is!
~the joy of having my mom visit the house frequently and taste the home cooked meals we never tasted before because she was so busy with work when we were kids. Even if I still have better culinary skills than her…hahaha! conceited!
~the joy of being able to relate to my teenage younger brother who is so guarded most of the times.
~the joy of being closer to my in-laws starting from my sisters-in-law, father-in-law and the rest of the extended family. Getting one step closer to completely understanding their dialect. Nakakarelate na ako kahit papano!
~the joy of watching Jewel in the Palace with a very excited and eager Ryan! Geez it has to be said that my husband and I are soo hooked …hmmm last year I was like this with Lovers in Paris.
~the joy of finally having somebody to help around the house especially now that my time is not only divided by schoolwork since we also frequent the hospital after office.
I can talk endlessly about the blessings I received and it seems that counting all my blessings it can be my birthday everyday, with or without the celebration and definitely without the ageing!
I’m just happy and I’m at peace. More than I thought I'd be on my birthday. For now I let life come to me but I make sure I make the most out of it and live it to the fullest! God knows best and I have all the love in the world my heart could ever contain. That's enough to keep me going and be happy.
Jan 20, 2006
Background music:...pretty woman walking down the street..pretty woman..
Yes! Stolen shot yan alangan naman magposing-posing pa ako while crossing the street eh di nasagasaan ako da vah?!. I'm just a happy-walker..hehehe. Actually I'm posting this because this might be the last picture/evidence you will see me sane.
How timely I'm studying psychopathology and I feel I'll be diagnosing myself with a disorder listed in the DSM-IV anytime soon. I need an outlet!! Healthy outlet ba ang studies ko if all our 2-chapter-thick-readings per subject are so full of medical jargon that I have to look up and visualize before I could connect with mental disorder or behavior?? I'm not just talking about simple anatomy or biological traces here ha...the intricacies of it pa. Then again I'm just fooling myself that this is what's bothering me. Forgive the incoherence of this post.. yaiks symptoms na ito ng cognitive dysfunction!waaah!
Jan 16, 2006
My mother-in-law, Ruby was rushed to the hospital last January 6 (Friday). It was after office and as usual Ryan and I can't wait to get home because we fight over who plays first with the playstation. However, before Ryan picked me up (literally as he was walking towards our office) he was informed that mama fainted at the restroom of Select along North Luzon Expressway. He gave instructions that she be brought immediately to a nearby hospital. They were somewhere in Bulacan. Worried that he doesn't know how to get there he decided not to take me along despite my protests. We never imagined it was that bad. I was even thinking that maybe it's okay to be left behind since we have a wedding the next day. I wanted him to have dinner first and prepare his bag at least for an overnight but Ryan was too anxious that he just wanted to be there immediately. He was on the road and we were in constant communication when he told me that it is aneurysm and they are transferring her to another hospital in Marilao where they could attend to her case. I was in stupor. I am not exaggerating but except for talking to Clarice I did nothing. I was scared and I wanted to be there as well. I asked my aunt if she could take me to Marilao but I could hear fatigue in her voice already. She is willing to but the car has to be fixed and she's waiting for a phone patch for her nightly radio program. I waited and I even looked for a van or car for rent. It's already 10PM! I ended up doing nothing...I figured it's too much to ask my aunt to drive me to Marilao when she still has work the next day even if she had the car fixed for me. I cancelled on our wedding. I plan to go there first thing in the morning. I finally fell asleep past 2AM.
That felt like ages ago...now after another series of events she's now confined at the UST Public Hospital. Her anuerysm left undiagnosed because they initially had to evacuate the hemmorage in the brain after she deteriorated so instantly before us so the angiogram that could localize the problem cannot be done unless she improves. The weight of all the decision (from the simplest to the most complex life & death call) was given to Ryan. Maybe in shock or in confusion his father can't decide anymore, which is understandable. Lola wants to be involved yet emotionally cannot handle it. Ryan has to be the strong one. We never faced any tougher role than this. The decision maker and financial provider. While Ryan tries hard to be strong for them I try hard to be strong for Ryan and there are days that tears cannot help but fall.
Though we are hoping for a miracle we are not praying for one. I'm happy that Ryan knows that God has His own will. We are praying that if mama stays with us that she recovers soon and not suffer like that but if He wants to take her already then don't make it such an agony to her and the family. There are many things to thank Him for like helping mama be stable enough to get transferred to UST, the love and concern of the entire family both mama & papa's side, the financial assistance that is coming in that helps somehow, the support of my family and friends that really really means a lot, the staff of UST Hospital who are all so good and vanished all our misconceptions on Charity Wards...As much as we thank Him for all the good things it's so hard to move pass cloudy thoughts. To worry about our future when all that we've put up are going down the drain. To worry if there is enough help to financially support the procedure mama still has to undergo. To worry if mama can physically endure all of what needs to be done to her...Difficult or hard doesn't even come close to how we would describe it but in life you cannot just choose your battles. I just pray we'll know how to fight ours.