Jul 22, 2016

Life after my global company

I've been contemplating a lot if I have a problem letting go, moving on and just be in the present.
If I go with my unfiltered thought, I won't be judged for being ungrateful for what I have now -- that is a good job in my line of work. My unfiltered thoughts will also share why oh why do I have to sit in the office for 8 hours not having the satisfaction of your work contributions making a difference, being micro-managed and each stepped questioned or criticized, mostly not existing to most employees? I wonder if what I am feeling is really uncalled for.

Before migrating here there's the term "survival job" that we were told about. Those are the jobs like flipping burgers, working in groceries to make ends meet until you have gained enough "Canadian experience" to show employers. Well we didn't certainly go that route (and by the way that route is not bad either as there's dignity of labor here and those jobs do pay well). While I may not be flipping burgers or loading merchandise in the aisles of the grocery stores I still feel what I do is a survival job. I hang on to it the best that I can as it is needed by my family then >>complain A LOT in my blog...miss my ex-colleagues, ex-company and ex-role miserably. LOL.

Here's a list of what I have gained and what I am missing:

1. Freedom after working hours! Woohooo...ohhh I worked and worked and even lose sleep working at my previous work. While I say I was tired before I never complained hating it. I do love the fact that since I have no helper in the kitchen not having the work burden after I leave the office.
2. Intellectual and creative avenue for my over-active brain. I love churning ideas. I love talking about it. I love listening to people who give a different perspective that it makes you reconsider yours or let you learn something. I love that in my previous job failure is welcomed in a fashion that you are trying, you are in the right direction or not and that you have room for improvement. That is mainly because the expectations are clear.
3. My awesome ex bosses! You know I didn't necessarily have that instant click with my bosses at first. However it only takes a few weeks of getting to know each other. Plenty of delegation and empowerment. Accepted failure that we grow to work GREAT together. I can definitely say it takes a good leader give that experience. That's what they were. They were clear about their expectations and they take time to get to know me, how I think and work and I was like that to them. They certainly earned my respect, trust and drive to accomplish beyond their expectations. It was mutual and I miss it...terribly.
4. I did gain a lot of time to do personal stuff. That's how light my work is which also scares me as I might not be as relevant to the company. Unlike when I left my previous company...oh how I had the need to put things in order a lot just to ensure they can go on without me. Yes they can just that I felt responsible if I did't hand it over properly however at that point my team is empowered and tasks are delegated well that they can self-manage.
5. The money!I know my husband would disagree but I just don't feel any guilt buying something worth $2-3 once in a while not to mention my starbucks spending last time. While I can live without that Starbucks Caramel Macchiato ('sniff) I just miss being comfortable to spend once in a while and that came in with my manager paycheck before plus extra bonuses for being awesome at what I do.
6. My leaves - sick & vacation. Ugh I was so dizzy with vertigo that my BP rose up and our nurse sent me home. I wanted to rest the next day but I can't afford that as I do not have sick leave. So I dragged my dizzy ass to work. Last time too if my work in the office is something I can manage from home I work from home. Missing that a lot.

I really do enjoy the freedom to be with the kids and take care of my family that this job gives. I just can't help but give in to my emotions and feel all these chaos of sadness that grips my heart and blog about it so I don't carry it around and I can fake a smile.

Jul 14, 2016

Talk it over

After several rushing about to settle in the new work, find the right car, move-out of our sponsor's house to move-in to our apartment, buy the things we needed fix and and get on with our lives. It was easy to fall into the cracks of annoyance, irritation and most of all frustration. I believe that reaction was the only appropriate one. However when the dust (kinda) settled and dear hubby got more sleep and the daily pace was way slower then we had a chance to trash out how we both feel.

It felt good after. Honest to goodness talking. No blaming or shaming just this is how I feel, felt or thought. The more open you are to each other helps A LOT. Life is still not fine & dandy. There are still a lot to criticize about like one that really irritated me is the walk-in clinic didn't accept walk-in as early as 2:30pm and they close at 6pm. Since Ate's fever doesn't want to subside we had to take her again the following day this time after my work at past 4pm and we were the last patient to be seen at 6pm. Turns out the doctor was alone the other day and that he was already taking 100+ patients that day and it was too much. He went on to explain that if its kids and they do need the attention he will consider just tell the receptionist. I guess in this adjustment phase we have to be more tolerant than usual to the different things/process/way of life. This is our life now so we have to make the most out of it. I am grateful to have a partner who through all life's bumps in the road that we come unfettered and we always come back to each others loving and understanding arms. That's saying a lot because if you are so pissed off with each other it's hard to remember that. :)

Jul 6, 2016

Yep! Still a rollercoaster

If I were to be mentally diagnosed right now I am manic-depressive for sure. I was so happy last Monday despite the crazy busy weekend I was surely uplifted with the move to the apartment & the celebration of the kids birthday but obviously the dust haven't settled and bursting my bubble today is when I found out that schools are closed. The problem is we want to move them to a school they are currently assigned to. When the sitter is closed (aka sick) we are troubled to take them to a bus stop closer to the sitter's place (which is where bus picks them up and takes them back). Anyway the painful part is we have no school bus for 2 weeks for late submission of busing information!!Waaaaahh..nobody told us this one! I told the school board then they said...well we are always closed on summer it's always been like that. Ugh! I told her we just migrated so we do not know about this. 

Hooooo....breathe in, breathe out!My gulaaaay!!!
 ...and yes my hair nowadays are as messy as that.Uuuugggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Jul 1, 2016

One of those days

5:45 AM and the alarm goes off. I woke up with two sweethearts hugging me like I'm not allowed to go elsewhere (or move for that matter). So cute! I love it!

.... I lingered in the bed for a while longer anyway I have packed Iaree's lunch & I will just make sandwich for my breakfast. Took a shower then got ready to prepare the lunch boxes. When I went down to start waking up the girls at 6:45 AM I got 2 missed calls from Ryan apparently our baby sitter was not well (again). As he was coming off from his night shift we might be able to work it out without me going on leave.

Here's the thing when you feel upset or just sad you just are in that mode until you tell yourself to snap out of it. Believe me until now that I am writing this I am still in that miserable zone (-2%: motivated by the fact that I gotta do what I gotta do). I was sitting on the edge of the bed thinking I wouldn't be in this position if I was still back in KL. I had the workplace flexibility for household emergencies like this. I have paid leaves if I can't shuffle my work schedule and I should be able to as I am the boss. My thoughts then wandered to...back then in KL I will be missed in the office if I am away for just a few hours. People will be looking for me...then I will go online anyway attending to office stuff. That may sound crazy but I love the way it was. I was needed, I was vital yet I can have a life and attend to my family.

The work email I receive from my boss early morning doesn't help either. She's away for now and was asking for updates on the department activities (which is valid). She did appreciate the work I have done (yey for me!) and the reason I'm ranting here is not because of her but because of me. I am feeling micromanaged as she asked to be copied for all the mail that I send out. I do not see anything wrong with her request but I can't help thinking that when I was a manager I never asked that from my staff as long as I know they are doing their job properly and I am not getting any complains. Again as I said its not my boss it's my working style. Shouldn't be a big deal honestly but when you are feeling BLUE like I am you see shades of blue everywhere. Ugh! Resulting again how I miss miss my old job and old work status.

I think I can be fine if I had people to talk to and the best option I have right now is this ghost of a blog. I purposely tell myself don't go that path again and say you had more friends in KL because you have been there for 9 years duh!

This is a journey we have to make. I feel bad that these things take time and when I am not a melancholic mess that I am today I do love it here. I do look forward to the possibilities in our life. Just that this part kinda sucks. While we do have the money we do not want to overspend so despite all the material needs of starting a new life (aka clothes we need for the weather, stuff we need at home, my dying phone..lol) we can't just shop without feeling guilty.

So at 7:10am it hit me that the 3 of them needed lunch at home, Ryan will be too sleepy , I pity him as having bunso around might not give him a chance to have the rest he needs, he told me he was having hyperacidity, he needed to be up by 12nn as Ate will be out early...ugh! I wish I can stay at home but (1)-we can't afford another unpaid leave when I already had 2 last week for a similar situation (2)-I dont want attendance to be an issue in my performance. So I cooked rice & corned beef the fastest option I have. Maybe missed the 8:03 bus which shouldn't be as I didn't see it when I was at the bus stop at 8:00 AM!It was cold outside 16°C but I survived. I know we are still blessed and lucky. I am not saying we aren't but bottom line is it's just one of those days....
photo credit: http://indulgy.com/post/3yU3BQXbJ1/feeling-blue