Jul 1, 2016

One of those days

5:45 AM and the alarm goes off. I woke up with two sweethearts hugging me like I'm not allowed to go elsewhere (or move for that matter). So cute! I love it!

.... I lingered in the bed for a while longer anyway I have packed Iaree's lunch & I will just make sandwich for my breakfast. Took a shower then got ready to prepare the lunch boxes. When I went down to start waking up the girls at 6:45 AM I got 2 missed calls from Ryan apparently our baby sitter was not well (again). As he was coming off from his night shift we might be able to work it out without me going on leave.

Here's the thing when you feel upset or just sad you just are in that mode until you tell yourself to snap out of it. Believe me until now that I am writing this I am still in that miserable zone (-2%: motivated by the fact that I gotta do what I gotta do). I was sitting on the edge of the bed thinking I wouldn't be in this position if I was still back in KL. I had the workplace flexibility for household emergencies like this. I have paid leaves if I can't shuffle my work schedule and I should be able to as I am the boss. My thoughts then wandered to...back then in KL I will be missed in the office if I am away for just a few hours. People will be looking for me...then I will go online anyway attending to office stuff. That may sound crazy but I love the way it was. I was needed, I was vital yet I can have a life and attend to my family.

The work email I receive from my boss early morning doesn't help either. She's away for now and was asking for updates on the department activities (which is valid). She did appreciate the work I have done (yey for me!) and the reason I'm ranting here is not because of her but because of me. I am feeling micromanaged as she asked to be copied for all the mail that I send out. I do not see anything wrong with her request but I can't help thinking that when I was a manager I never asked that from my staff as long as I know they are doing their job properly and I am not getting any complains. Again as I said its not my boss it's my working style. Shouldn't be a big deal honestly but when you are feeling BLUE like I am you see shades of blue everywhere. Ugh! Resulting again how I miss miss my old job and old work status.

I think I can be fine if I had people to talk to and the best option I have right now is this ghost of a blog. I purposely tell myself don't go that path again and say you had more friends in KL because you have been there for 9 years duh!

This is a journey we have to make. I feel bad that these things take time and when I am not a melancholic mess that I am today I do love it here. I do look forward to the possibilities in our life. Just that this part kinda sucks. While we do have the money we do not want to overspend so despite all the material needs of starting a new life (aka clothes we need for the weather, stuff we need at home, my dying phone..lol) we can't just shop without feeling guilty.

So at 7:10am it hit me that the 3 of them needed lunch at home, Ryan will be too sleepy , I pity him as having bunso around might not give him a chance to have the rest he needs, he told me he was having hyperacidity, he needed to be up by 12nn as Ate will be out early...ugh! I wish I can stay at home but (1)-we can't afford another unpaid leave when I already had 2 last week for a similar situation (2)-I dont want attendance to be an issue in my performance. So I cooked rice & corned beef the fastest option I have. Maybe missed the 8:03 bus which shouldn't be as I didn't see it when I was at the bus stop at 8:00 AM!It was cold outside 16°C but I survived. I know we are still blessed and lucky. I am not saying we aren't but bottom line is it's just one of those days....
photo credit: http://indulgy.com/post/3yU3BQXbJ1/feeling-blue

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