Quarantine. Self-isolation. Social distancing.
Today is April 6, 2020 and it's surreal. These words have been part of our daily language in the last couple of weeks. I have never tuned in to news as often as I do now. I have never laid-off people before. My list of never have I ever could go on.
I was so lost, afraid even had bad anxiety attacks here and there. Our province declared school closures March 23 by March 18 we decided to send our kids to school for the last time. Ryan has been working from home since March 12. Since then, March 17 we refilled our water and pumped gas from Costco March 17, picked up a few items too. That's the last they have seen the outside world.
I on the other hand, still come to work everyday. With all the developing measures the government is putting in place, knowing we have enough supplies for a month or more I have yearned to stay home and be safe with them at the same time I didn't want the financial burden of losing my job (even temporarily) or the relationship implication with my bosses if I quit early in the game. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what's running in my head.
Days felt like weeks. I struggled with work-home dilemma while navigating this unprecedented life disruption. Adding to the feelings I have to shut off as day after day I process employee lay-off. Become strict to those who feel ill to protect those still in the office. At home, the kids feel like its a vacation. I can't blame them - why would I need to wake them up at 7am when there's no bus to catch? How can they concentrate on the homework given when teacher's didn't give any deadlines or consequences? Screen, toys, each other...felt like summer break? It was hard. I felt bad that I am not doing them a favor of having a better grasp of their work. What's a good balance of freedom and work? A common ground. News piled on as did my worry. I was the only one who can contract this virus and bring it home. If I get sick who will cook and take care of the family. Worse if Ryan and I get sick who would be kind enough to tend to our kids or at least bring them food. Didn't even let my mind wander if it was one of the girls who gets it. I was heading for a breakdown but I know better than to let myself crash.
I prayed. Really prayed to connect and not just recite prayers. I reached out to family and friends not just forwarding news or sharing pictures. Connect. Just as I improve my connection to God. I improved on laughing with my family & very close friends. Another never have I ever - I never facetimed them as often as I do now. Never have I ever felt God's embrace as I do now. The acceptance that we are not in control...I love how Ryan reminded our family of that. I love how our family prays the Angelus and other petition prayers and continue the dialogue with God. I love how we talk about God's control not human. Not in abandonment but in obedience to the leaders he has appointed in our lives. We pray for them as much as we pray for our frontliners. That's when I found myself again. To have that peace of mind amidst the chaos.
Am I still crazy and paranoid? Oh yeah because yesterday our 1 gallon of milk already ran out and we are on our last drop of hand soap so as Ryan drove me to the shop I was like a ninja/robber with gloved hand that I douse in alcohol who lysolled and soaped the bags of chips and jug of milk. Spring break passed. The kids fixed their room by themselves (I have given up on asking them to do so weeks ago but they suddenly surprised us with this). The kids are getting along so well and I am so happy they have each other. Ryan and I have a job. I walked to work feeling less unsettled and finally a little more productive than just going with the flow.
We are a long way from normal. It's a long battle but God we lift it all up to you.
Apr 7, 2020
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