We are still here

June 1, 2021. The world still stands still crippled by this never-ending pandemic. My mood, resilience and positivity dwindles up and down. I'm here to vent. I'm here to cry so as not to burden anyone of my petty sorrows. We are healthy. We have jobs. We have a semblance of good life that a lot struggle now so who am I to complain. I feel guilty for even feeling bad :( 

I googled how to get out of a rut because at this point this pandemic turned most things in a rut. A rut that you just do not have the will and energy to choose a new tv show that used to be a fun pastime few weeks ago. A rut where your patience is paper-thin you have a hard time embracing people and their flaws at home and at work. I pride myself always seeing the bright side of things but who will pull me out when I fall into the darkness. 

I pray...I pray before I sleep, when I wake up, as I drive to work, as I walk around zombified. I'm still here in the dark. So is everyone else. This pandemic has taken away the ability to look forward to something because no matter how much you plan...what's the point. The pandemic will take it away because the virus evolved faster than experts can protect you. You end up frustrated and helpless. 

This rant was brought about the reality that we will never ever have a dog. Shallow I know and I understand the reason why we will not get a dog and I even accept it. It just stirred a part of me like someone dropping a spoonful of coffee in a mug of milk...my lips says I am fine with it. My brain even says so too and the brain is so smart it even lists down why we cannot and should not have a dog. Am I too stubborn to move on? Like all things maybe I should just blame this on the pandemic. Maybe our routine and lives will flow differently and I wouldn't be daydreaming of walking the dog in a park, teaching it tricks because I would be busy packing for a trip to US, Europe or even Philippines. Maybe in a world without the pandemic I am so busy volunteering, meeting with friends building my professional network thinking about extra-curricular for the kids. The kids will be busy with their friends and will not be glued to the screen and I will not want them to have a dog to get busy with. Now now Rhodora let's do what you do best. Bury that yearning feeling deep deep deep in the midst of your soul that you forget it ever existed. 

Sorry kiddo...if one day you discovered this blog I hope that you have for yourself fulfilled dream to have a furry companion and didn't let anyone stop you. 

My COVID-19 Chronicles: LOST & FOUND

Quarantine. Self-isolation. Social distancing.

Today is April 6, 2020 and it's surreal. These words have been part of our daily language in the last couple of weeks. I have never tuned in to news as often as I do now. I have never laid-off people before. My list of never have I ever could go on.

I was so lost, afraid even had bad anxiety attacks here and there. Our province declared school closures March 23 by March 18 we decided to send our kids to school for the last time. Ryan has been working from home since March 12. Since then, March 17 we refilled our water and pumped gas from Costco March 17, picked up a few items too. That's the last they have seen the outside world.

I on the other hand, still come to work everyday. With all the developing measures the government is putting in place, knowing we have enough supplies for a month or more I have yearned to stay home and be safe with them at the same time I didn't want the financial burden of losing my job (even temporarily) or the relationship implication with my bosses if I quit early in the game. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what's running in my head.

Days felt like weeks. I struggled with work-home dilemma while navigating this unprecedented life disruption. Adding to the feelings I have to shut off as day after day I process employee lay-off. Become strict to those who feel ill to protect those still in the office. At home, the kids feel like its a vacation. I can't blame them - why would I need to wake them up at 7am when there's no bus to catch? How can they concentrate on the homework given when teacher's didn't give any deadlines or consequences? Screen, toys, each other...felt like summer break? It was hard. I felt bad that I am not doing them a favor of having a better grasp of their work. What's a good balance of freedom and work? A common ground. News piled on as did my worry. I was the only one who can contract this virus and bring it home. If I get sick who will cook and take care of the family. Worse if Ryan and I get sick who would be kind enough to tend to our kids or at least bring them food. Didn't even let my mind wander if it was one of the girls who gets it. I was heading for a breakdown but I know better than to let myself crash.

I prayed. Really prayed to connect and not just recite prayers. I reached out to family and friends not just forwarding news or sharing pictures. Connect. Just as I improve my connection to God. I improved on laughing with my family & very close friends. Another never have I ever - I never facetimed them as often as I do now. Never have I ever felt God's embrace as I do now. The acceptance that we are not in control...I love how Ryan reminded our family of that. I love how our family prays the Angelus and other petition prayers and continue the dialogue with God. I love how we talk about God's control not human. Not in abandonment but in obedience to the leaders he has appointed in our lives. We pray for them as much as we pray for our frontliners. That's when I found myself again. To have that peace of mind amidst the chaos.

Am I still crazy and paranoid? Oh yeah because yesterday our 1 gallon of milk already ran out and we are on our last drop of hand soap so as Ryan drove me to the shop I was like a ninja/robber with gloved hand that I douse in alcohol who lysolled and soaped the bags of chips and jug of milk. Spring break passed. The kids fixed their room by themselves (I have given up on asking them to do so weeks ago but they suddenly surprised us with this). The kids are getting along so well and I am so happy they have each other. Ryan and I have a job. I walked to work feeling less unsettled and finally a little more productive than just going with the flow.

We are a long way from normal. It's a long battle but God we lift it all up to you.

Generation - Next!

Last night we were trying to listen to the recording of Ate Iaree's radio performance via the wireless blue tooth speaker. It stopped in the middle and while Ryan was trying to fix it, coincidentally Liezl was telling the speaker - Alexa play music. When it stopped again she was requesting it Alexa play music and we told her it will not work. She turned to it and asked .."so who are you? what's your name?" #kidsnowadays #virtualassistants #angsakitsatyan

Which led to our discussions (aka argument) about OK Boomer since the kids seem to think is our generation. Then we ended up watching Ellen's videos on millenials vs boomers. It started with the millenial who didn't know how to use the phone. LOL. On the part where Ellen asked the Boomer if you liked someone on Tinder how do you tell the person you like them. I answered then Iaree immediately asked me..."how do you know that mommy??!hmmmmm..." then I responded "well how DO YOU KNOW Tinder?? Hmm???"

No stopping the next generation. Hahahaha